Terrified of Falling In Love
by flipomatic
Summary: "I've been doing what my grandmother wants my entire life. I started ballet and saved the school, all for her. She also wants me to…" Nico cut Eli off, putting one hand in front of her face. "It doesn't matter what she wants you to do. What do you want? Is it really this?"


Author note: This story came from me brainstorming about ways conflict could arise between Eli and Nozomi. It grew into this. Warning for homophobia. Also I'm pretty sure Nico swears when she gets truly angry.

* * *

When Nico arrived at the clubroom ten minutes earlier than usual she expected to find it empty. She planned to kick back in one of the chairs before anyone else arrived and put her feet up on the table. That way when Maki, who was always the first person in the clubroom, arrived, Nico could make fun of her for not being first. The redhead would blush and stutter, giving Nico a nice ego boost.

That plan wouldn't work out for one simple reason. When Nico reached for the handle of the door she heard a voice coming from inside the room. It wasn't Maki, which was a relief at the time. Later, Nico wished it had just been Maki.

"Yes, I suppose you're right." The curtain on the door window was in just the right position for Nico to look in and not be noticed from the inside. She saw Eli, still wearing her school uniform, holding a cell phone up to her ear. The other teen looked paler than usual, and her voice sounded strained. "I'm afraid I must be going, it was nice speaking to you." Eli listened for a moment, her free hand clenching and unclenching. "Love you too. Goodbye." She hung up the phone and collapsed into one of the clubroom chairs. Eli rested her elbows on the table with her head in her hands. She muttered something Nico couldn't hear, which didn't really matter because Nico didn't know how to process any of this.

"What are you doing?" Nico nearly jumped out of her skin at the voice interrupting her thoughts. Dammit, she forgot about Maki.

"N-nothing," Nico spluttered, spinning around to put her back to the door. "I was just about to go in."

"Well then," Maki looked doubtful as she reached around Nico for the doorknob. "Let's just go in then." A small hand on her wrist stopped her.

"Wait!" Nico wanted to smack herself for sounding desperate, but it would be bad if Maki saw Eli this way. She was certain the other third year wouldn't want a first year student worrying about her. "I was here before you, so I should go first!"

Maki opened her mouth to retort, but decided against it. "Whatever." The first year student took a step back and crossed her arms. "It doesn't really matter."

It did matter, but not for the reasons Maki was thinking of. "You just wait here for a minute, so the great Nico-nii can make sure the room is ready for practice." Nico raised her hands in her classic pose, stretching her face into a smile as she spoke.

"Now you want me to wait?" Maki said incredulously. "You're acting stranger than usual, Nico."

"Just do it." Nico deadpanned, giving up on the cute act. She opened the door just enough to slip inside and left Maki to be confused in the hallway. Hopefully Maki wouldn't peek past the curtain like Nico did just a few minutes earlier.

Eli hadn't moved during the conversation in the hallway; she still sat at the table with her face in her hands. She looked like she could stay that way for a while, but Nico knew the rest of Muse was coming soon.

"Eli." Nico called her name softly. Eli's head jolted up, blue eyes wide with surprise.

"Nico." She ran one hand across her red tinged face. "You're here early." She wouldn't meet Nico's eyes, instead pointing her gaze at the door.

"Don't sound so surprised." Nico frowned at the jibe at her timeliness, but took a seat next to Eli anyway. "You ok?"

"What?" Eli coughed once in an obvious attempt to stall for time. "Yeah I'm fine." She smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. "I'm going to take a quick walk before practice." The blonde rose to her feet hastily and shuffled out the door. Nico could hear her politely greet Maki on her way out the past.

Maki looked even more confused than before as she joined Nico in the clubroom. "What happened?"

"I'm not sure." But Nico was going to find out. She'd known Eli for almost three years, and she'd never seen her friend so upset before. Something must've been very wrong.

* * *

At age six Eli didn't watch much television. Most of her time was spent practicing ballet and learning Japanese. When she did turn on the electronic device it was mostly to flip through channels. She didn't follow any shows, so she had a hard time deciding what to watch. By the time she picked something it was almost over.

One day she flipped into an American cartoon with Russian subtitles. It was near the end of an episode, and two teenage girls sat together on some stairs. It was difficult for Eli to follow the subtitles, but it seemed like they were talking about what to do next. Eli watched with wide eyes as they decided to go on a trip together and met up at a large pillar of light. They clasped their hands together just as Eli's grandmother entered the room. The old woman had been raising Eli for almost a year. The girl's parents lived in Japan, but Eli was learning ballet in Russia.

"Eli!" The old woman scowled at the television. "Turn that filth off immediately." She seemed angry, though Eli didn't know why.

"Yes Grandmother." She did what she was told without hesitation; her grandmother always knew what was best. Once the light faded from the screen, the old woman walked over to where Eli still sat in a wood chair.

"You will never watch that show again." Her grandmother insisted before muttering under her breath. "Cartoons these days, how awful." Eli was still staring up at her grandmother, so the woman put a smile on her face. "Isn't it almost time for dance practice?" She said gently. "Come on, let's get you ready." Eli hopped out of her seat, the television show with the two girls holding hands already fading from her mind.

* * *

Nico kept a close eye on Eli during practice that day. Her fellow third year composed herself on her walk, but still seemed out of it. She missed a few cues during practice and had trouble focusing. Even more strange was how she didn't talk to or look at Nozomi a single time. Normally they were inseparable, so this behavior was particularly odd. Every time Nozomi tried to start a conversation Eli deflected and walked away. Maki looked like she wanted to say something to Eli, but couldn't gather the gumption to do it. The mood of the whole group fell as practice went on.

When practice ended, Eli gathered up her belongings in less than a minute.

"See you all tomorrow." She called from the door, still wearing her work out clothes.

"Weren't we going to walk together today?" Nozomi asked, ignoring the ominous feeling in the room. "They have this great new desert at that café you like, I thought we could check it out." She smiled and tilted her head.

Eli fidgeted with her bag as she searched for a response. "I can't today." She stared down at the ground as she spoke. "Actually, I can't at all anymore. I need to walk alone from now on." She vanished out the door before Nozomi could stop her, leaving the seven other Muse members to look around in confusion.

"What just happened?" Rin asked what everyone was thinking. She looked to Nozomi for an answer, but the older girl just shook her head.

"I have no idea, Eli-chi was fine today during class." Nozomi pulled out her tarot cards, shuffling them as she spoke. "She was excited about the café too." She drew the reversed hanging man card from the top, letting out a heavy sigh.

"Maybe she's late for an appointment." Honoka, always the optimist, suggested as she folded her exercise clothes.

"She would've told us." Maki fidgeted with the tips of her hair. "That was just odd." She glanced over at Nico as if to comment on her odd behavior as well, but didn't tell the group about it.

The younger members of Muse discussed various possibilities as they packed up, but they really had no clue. Once everything was put away they started to file out.

"You all go ahead." Nozomi told them with the second fakest smile Nico had seen that day. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Honoka hesitated, but Umi dragged her along. Nico stayed behind with a similar statement and hopefully less fake smile. She had to shoo Maki away, but after a couple minutes only the two third years remained. Just like earlier, the younger students didn't need to witness this.

"Nico-chi, what are you waiting here for?" Nozomi still insisted on pretending everything was fine.

"Don't play dumb. Something's clearly going on between you and Eli." Nico put her hands on her hips. "It's my job as club president to help." And also as your friend, Nico added silently in her head.

Nozomi's expression crumbled as she cast her gaze down at her cards. "I don't know why, but today felt like a rejection. We've been walking to and from school together since we met." She shuffled them but didn't draw one.

"But you're not dating, are you?" Nico knew the answer, but had to ask anyway.

"No," Nozomi turned to look out the clubroom window. "But we are friends, and." Nico could see a bit of red creep onto her cheeks. "We've known each other for so long and I've thought about it. But now." One tear dripped down her cheek. "I was too optimistic. Eli is shutting me out. Of course I'll always be alone."

"Hold it right there." Nico held out one hand in a stop motion. "I'm not sure what Eli was doing today, but she was being a total jerk. Also," Nozomi turned to face Nico as the shorter girl spoke, another tear joining the first. "As long as you have Muse, you'll never be alone again." Nico stepped forward, enveloping Nozomi in a tight hug. The medium returned the gesture, relishing her friend's warmth.

"Now here's what's gonna happen." Nico said as she withdrew from the hug. "I'm going to walk you home, then I'm gonna go give Eli a piece of my mind!"

"You don't have to do that." Nozomi wiped away her tears with a watery smile.

"Oh yes I do. Nobody makes my friend cry and gets away with it! If you want you could come with me." Nico raised both fists in a punching motion. "We could beat some sense into her with a Nico-nico-punch."

"I can't." Tears threatened to spill from Nozomi's eyes again. "She clearly doesn't want to see me."

"Fine then." Nico scooped up Nozomi's bag and her own. "Let's get going before the sun sets."

"Thanks Nico-chi."

Nico pulled the door open, and the last two members of Muse left the clubroom for the evening.

* * *

At age ten, one day, Eli was walking to the market with Alisa and her grandmother. It was about one kilometer away from their residence, so they liked to walk when the weather was nice. Alisa held their grandmothers hand at all times, but Eli was permitted to walk up to one meter ahead of the pair. They were about half way there, and Eli was enjoying her freedom, when her grandmother called her back to take her hand.

"We need to cross the street." Her grip felt like iron on Eli's small digits. "Let's look both ways together now. No cars to the left, none to the right. Is it safe to cross?" Both Eli and Alisa nodded enthusiastically. "Let's cross then." Despite the lack of cars she hurried the children across the road. She didn't release Eli upon safely arriving on the sidewalk, forcing the girl to stay close. Eli looked back across the street; she couldn't figure out why they crossed in the first place. Did her grandmother not like those two men with the baby stroller? Maybe the Ayase family had a blood feud with them and her grandmother was trying to avoid a fight.

"Disgusting." Her grandmother muttered under her breath as they passed the couple. It probably wasn't a blood feud then. Maybe the pair smelled bad, though Eli wasn't sure if that was a good enough reason to cross the street to avoid them. She asked Alisa about it later, but her sister hadn't even noticed the two men, let alone that they hadn't actually needed to cross the street there.

After a couple of weeks, Eli wouldn't even remember that they'd gone to the market.

* * *

After dropping Nozomi off at her apartment, Nico stormed across town to where Eli lived. She tried calling the girl's cell phone first, but the blonde teen didn't answer. Nico didn't bother leaving a voicemail, opting for a more personal approach. She couldn't believe any of the things that happened today, but Eli was going to explain whether she wanted to or not.

When Nico arrived at the Ayase residence she stomped up to the door.

"Eli" She pounded loudly on the wood door. "I know this is where you live! How dare you do this to Nozomi! Come out and face me you coward!" The door was pulled open, revealing a middle school aged girl Nico had seen a few times before.

"You're Nico, right?" She asked with little stars in her eyes, ignoring the slights against her family member. "Please come in. It's so nice to meet a member of Muse."

"Your name is Alisa?" Nico clarified as she stepped into the house. "Is Eli home?" She normally would've taken time to pose for a fan, but finding Eli was more important.

"No, she hasn't come home from school yet today." Nico added that fact to the strange pile, since she'd assumed that Eli went home after practice.

"When you see her, tell her to meet me on the roof an hour before school tomorrow." Nico turned to leave, but was stopped by the younger teen.

"Before you go, did something happen today?" Alisa put her hands together, fidgeting with her fingers. "It's not like my big sister to not be home by this time."

"I think she had a rough day." Nico shared with a sigh. She wanted to add that Eli's day would only get worse when Nico found her, but didn't feel it was appropriate.

"Our grandmother did say Eli was rather short with her today." Alisa mused quietly, probably not intending for Nico to hear her.

"You grandmother?" Maybe this was the clue Nico needed.

"When we lived in Russia she looked after us. We stayed with her for many years." The young girl titled her head thoughtfully. "She called this afternoon to see how things are going." That must've been the phone call Nico overheard. "She said her conversation with Eli didn't go well at all." Whatever the woman had said, it led to every strange thing Eli did that afternoon. Nico felt her anger redirect at this old woman she never met.

"Thanks Alisa, you've been a big help." Nico held up her hands next to her head. "Nico-nico-nii, it's been great talking to you, but I've gotta go. Thanks for the info, please pass my message along to your sister." She bid Alisa goodbye with a short wave, before pulling the door open and exiting into the night. As she walked towards the street she heard a faint 'Nico-nico-nii' from behind her.

For the moment, all she could do was go home. The next morning would be a different story.

* * *

At age twelve, the giving and receiving of Valentine's Day chocolates was a big deal. For Eli, it was all about the chocolate. It was one of her favorite foods and if she could, she would eat it with every meal. Both boys and girls at her school gave Eli chocolate that year. She took it all home so it wouldn't melt in her locker. Before she could stow it in the fridge, her grandmother stopped to ask her about it.

"You must be very popular with the boys." Her grandmother picked out the largest bundle in the batch. "Who is this from? Is he cute?"

"Alexis gave me that." Eli grinned up at her grandmother. "She's so nice, she made them herself. I haven't tried them yet, but I'm sure they're yummy." Her grin faded when she saw the look on her grandmother's face. "Grandmother?"

"I will be calling her parents." Her grandmother's eyes were ice cold. "And you will stop speaking with her." Eli didn't usually question her grandmother's decisions, but Alexis was a good friend. She couldn't just stop talking to her.

"Why? She's my friend." Eli protested, crossing her arms.

"It's for your own good." Her grandmother frowned. "You're too young to understand." Adults always said that when they didn't want to talk about something.

"Try explaining it then." The young girl gave her best glare, but her grandmother just shook her head.

"Not today."

"Can I at least have the chocolate back? Alexis made it just for me." Eli reached out with one hand, but her grandmother held the object up and out of reach.

"No, this will be properly disposed of. Now, it is time for you to start your homework. Go put the rest of your gifts in the fridge and get started." Eli knew when she was being dismissed. She bowed her head and scurried into the kitchen.

This incident was not one she would forget.

* * *

Nico arrived about an hour and fifteen minutes before school started to meet Eli on the roof. She was not surprised to find Eli already there. The blonde third year leaned against one of the fences with her back to the rising sun. She held her arms crossed while she waited.

"If what you did yesterday was a prank, it was in poor taste!" Nico called out as she crossed the roof towards Eli. She didn't want to bother with small talk; she was still upset from the previous night.

"It was not a prank." Eli didn't move as she cast a blank stare at her approaching friend. "Nozomi and I can't hang out anymore." She said it bluntly, as if it were fact. Nico disagreed.

"That's absolute bullshit." The shorter teen stopped right in front of her apathetic classmate. She glared up, becoming more enraged by the lack of emotion she saw.

"Wow Nico, I didn't know you were old enough to swear." Blue eyes remained expressionless despite Eli's teasing tone.

"Shut up!" Nico ground her teeth. "You've done so much harm over the last day you have no right to criticize me!"

"It had to be done." Still no change in Eli's expression.

"No, it didn't have to be done. But you did it anyway." Nico pointed one finger towards Eli's chest. "You did it all to please someone else, let me guess, your grandmother." Eli's expression changed for the first time since Nico arrived on the roof. Her eyes narrowed and her mouth tipped into a frown.

"How do you know about that?" Eli uncrossed her arms, and cast her gaze at shaking hands.

"Alisa." Nico said simply.

"So now you know all my secrets." Eli replied bitterly, still keeping her eyes low.

Nico shook her head. "No, all she told me was who called before practice." She waited for Eli to actually look at her before continuing. "I want you to tell me the rest."

"I've been doing what my grandmother wants my entire life. I started ballet and saved the school, all for her. She also wants me to…"

Nico cut Eli off, putting one hand in front of her face and interrupting her despite having asked her to talk a moment ago. "It doesn't matter what she wants you to do. What do you want? Is it really this?"

"What I want is impossible." Eli shoved Nico's hand away, her cheeks flushed with emotion.

"So you're just gonna give up!?" Nico threw both hands in the air. "You haven't even tried, in fact you've done the opposite. I can't stand people like that. If you're not who you are, then who the fuck are you?" Nico crossed her arms and turned her back to Eli. "Once you've figured out the answer to that, then come talk to me." She glared over her the shoulder. "But if the answer is anything but 'I am who I am' then don't bother speaking to me again."

Loud footsteps echoed through the floor below as Nico stomped towards the roof door. She flung it open and narrowly missed falling down the stairs. She smoldered all the way to her classroom, where she was finally the first person to arrive. Nico collapsed into her desk; she didn't handle that very well, did she?

* * *

At age 17 Eli was a third year at Otonokizaka. She sang and danced in a school idol group called Muse with her eight closest friends. One day, before practice started, her grandmother called on her cell phone. The conversation started fine; they talked about school and Muse. It soon moved to unsafe waters.

"When are you going to bring a boyfriend to visit me?" Her grandmother wanted to know. She always asked.

"You know I'm not dating right now." Eli always gave the same response.

"What about that one boy you told me about who you saw at the store?" The old woman sounded excited at the prospect.

"You saw him, and told me how cute you think he is." The teen forced a chuckle as she rehashed this conversation for the umpteenth time.

"Oh, yeah." Her grandmother paused for a moment. "There really is no one?" She probed, breaking the script where they usually changed the subject.

"What if." Eli swallowed once to brace herself. "Just hypothetically speaking, what if I brought a girlfriend home instead?" She held her breath as she waited for a response. It came after about ten seconds, biting into Eli's hopes and dreams.

"Ha ha ha ha, that's a funny joke." Her grandmother's laugh, which had always been comforting, sent a chill down Eli's spine. "It's impossible, not in this family."

"Yes I suppose you're right." The phone felt heavy in Eli's hand. The clubroom felt like it was spinning around her, and she was glad none of the other members had arrived yet.

"Of course I'm right." Her grandmother sounded relieved.

"I'm afraid I must be going, it was nice speaking to you." Eli needed to be done with this conversation. It was too much to handle as the world spun.

"It's been wonderful talking with you, my Elichika. I love you." By this point Eli was barely listening, but she was still able to respond properly.

"Love you too. Goodbye." Eli hung up the phone and collapsed into a chair in one motion. She burrowed her face into her hands to avoid looking at the spinning room. She received the answer she feared the most; her grandmother would never accept her feelings.

"What do I do now?" She muttered under her breath. She wasn't even sure if she had feelings for another girl or not, but now it wasn't even an option. The door had been slammed in her face.

It wasn't like she was ready to move forward into a relationship, but the potential had been there. She'd always wondered what it would be like to fall in love with Nozomi. Sometimes when she met Nozomi's gaze her heart pounded so loudly she was sure the other girl could hear it. Their hands sometimes brushed while walking and filled Eli with waves of warmth. She spent so much time with Nozomi, she thought maybe she could fall in love with her. But now she knew it could never be. She had to fix this somehow, before she was in too deep to stop it.

The only way to do it, she thought miserably, was to distance herself from Nozomi. Without proximity, her feelings might fade. It was for the best; she couldn't let her family down.

Her thoughts were interrupted by Nico's untimely entrance. She played if off as nothing, but Nico didn't seem to buy it. Eli went for a quick walk, which helped stop the room from tilting, and when practice started she implemented her plan.

It was excruciatingly difficult. Every few minutes she wanted to turn to Nozomi, but fought off the urge. When Nozomi came to speak with her she refused to make eye contact and gave short responses. Eli could see the confusion growing in her ex best friend, but forced herself to ignore it.

They would never be together anyway; it was impossible.

* * *

At age 17 Eli was yelled at by one of her friends for not making decisions for herself. She was abandoned on the roof to think as her friend stormed off. The sun rose behind her as she worked through her conflict.

What did she really want, she asked herself silently. The obvious answer was anything but this. The younger students were confused, Nico was enraged, and Nozomi, she wasn't really sure about, but Nozomi was probably upset. By pretending to be someone she wasn't, Eli had really screwed this up.

Even though she regretted it, could she really turn back? Could she turn her back on her grandmother? Who was she really? Was she just a puppet whose strings were pulled by whoever happened to be holding them?

No.

Eli was done.

She was done being the mouthpiece for someone else. What she really wanted, more than anything, was to continue being friends with Nozomi. She wanted to walk to school with Nozomi. She wanted to go together to their favorite café. Eli wanted the chance to fall in love. If her grandmother disapproved, then she would work out that hurdle when it came. If they did actually fall in love along the way, then Eli would deal with that too. Her heart trilled at the thought, and she forced herself to focus.

Eli knew what she had to do. After sending a small prayer of thanks to Nico she grabbed her bag and fled from the roof. She descended the stairs quickly, moving opposite of the early bird foot traffic to leave the school. She needed to move fast if she wanted to make it on time.

* * *

At age 17 Eli knocked on her best friends door, praying that she was not too late. She feared that Nozomi had already left for school. When Nozomi pulled open the door Eli allowed herself a small sigh of relief. That feeling didn't last.

"I thought you weren't coming." Nozomi, already fully dressed in her school uniform, exited her apartment and pulled the door shut. She locked it, but didn't move to leave.

"Can I please have a minute of your time?" Eli was sure she sounded desperate. "Just one minute. Please."

Nozomi's eyes were dull, as if she hadn't slept well. "One minute, then I'm leaving."

"I was stupid." Eli blurted out. "I shoved down who I was again for who others want me to be. I betrayed you and broke your trust, and I'm sorry. My grandmother always told me to 'befriend more boys' and 'where's your boyfriend Eli?' and I wanted to do it for her and for the Ayase family. So I pushed you away. But I was wrong." She held her head high with conviction.

"30 seconds." Nozomi's eyes remained unchanged.

"I thought that, if I pushed you away then I wouldn't…" The words stuck in Eli's throat. "We wouldn't…" Her time ticked away as she searched for the right words.

"Is that all?" Nozomi's voice sounded cold. "Well I'm glad you've realized who you're not. If you'll excuse me, I have to go to school now." She brushed past Eli, and she made to the end of the hall before Eli called after her.

"I was terrified." Eli stared straight at Nozomi's back. "Of falling in love with you." Nozomi froze mid step and put one hand on the wall. Eli couldn't hear the birds singing or see the sun rising, all she saw was Nozomi's paralyzed form. "I started thinking about us, in the future, and I got scared. I know my family would disapprove." Eli straightened her back. "But I'm done running from who I am." Her heart raced as if she'd run a mile. "So please, forgive me and allow me to start over." One steady hand extended towards Nozomi. "My name is Ayase Eli, it's nice to meet you."

Nozomi turned around slowly, her watery gaze meeting Eli's. Each step she took towards the blonde felt like it took a year. "I'm Toujou Nozomi." She said softly as she intertwined her fingers with Eli's "And I'm terrified of falling in love with you too."

Eli chuckled but couldn't stop. The joy bubbled up inside of her, and she wondered why there were tears gathering at the corner of her eyes. She leaned forward place her forehead gently against Nozomi's

"Well at least we have that in common."

* * *

At age 17 Eli wrote a short letter with the help of her best friend Nozomi. She addressed it 'Nico-nico-nii' and left it in the desk of the recipient.

It read:

Dear Nico,

Would it make you happy to hear that you were right? I spent so much time worrying about what others wanted, I lost track of myself.

I'm not doing that any longer.

Thank you for supporting us, you're the best friend a couple of third years could ask for.

Love,

Eli

PS: The answer to your question is, I am who I am.

* * *

End note: This fic is a monster and if I never look at it again it'll be too soon.


End file.
